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Name:
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DwightSchrute
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Subject:
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Pencils at the ready..
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Date:
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3/31/2006 12:59:09 AM
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I hope everyone had a Happy Michael Scott’s Birthday today; as I’m sure you saw on NBC at 9:30, we had a grand party for him, though it was somewhat derailed by that whole skin-cancer charade.
Before getting started, I need to address the numerous communications I have received asking why I used the term “pee-pee” in my first message. I wanted to use the proper biological term, but when I tried, I was re-directed to the official website of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. At first I thought they were trying to contact me, that at last they had a mission for yours truly, Dwight K. Schrute, law enforcement supporter, special assistant Deputy Sheriff, and martial arts expert. But after a few phone calls I learned that they are still formulating the perfect mission for me, and that being directed to their website was just a happy coincidence, and something that happens on this site when you use forbidden words like
Well, it just happened again, when I tried to tell you the words you can’t use on this website. So you will just have to learn them yourself.
Now for today’s lesson. People are not going to enjoy seeing the Schrute Patrol taking control and running things, so you will have to convince them that my leadership is a good thing. I would convince them myself, but I will be safely tucked away in my Fortress of Solitude, except for beet harvesting season, when I will be too busy helping my cousin and second-in-command Mose harvest the beets. So you, my minions, will be taking the point on this mission.
As Private Jawjagal has already informed you, my cousin Mose and I have authored a book, SELL THIS!: How to Literally Kill the Competition. Many of the lessons taught in our magnum opus apply to this situation as well. Watch and learn as I take the chapter she excerpted, and make it fit today’s lesson:
>>>Of course, I will teach you what to say, how to say it, and most importantly, how to make everyone understand and believe in what you are saying. It’s really quite simple: Like a tiger which hypnotizes its prey, you must overwhelm them with the force of your
1) aura
2) eyes
3) intensity
4) reason
5) good hygiene
Seduce them with your power and get to know them like a small lover.
Intimacy sells! Ravish them. Use force if necessary. Kiss them with your story, our agenda. And, finally, make sure you call them the next day.
That is just a taste of total domination by Schrute.<<<
See how easy it is? End of Lesson One.
I shall observe you in action, to see how quickly you learn, before moving on to Lesson Two. And I have a special surprise for those of you planning to meet at this Re… I mean Longneck Island: a personal appearance. Please have plenty of beer for me (I prefer imports) as well as bologna, tomato and ketchup sandwiches for lunch. This might be the only chance you will have to meet me, as it is getting too warm and sunny out for my sensitive skin.
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